The other day my friend Brooke asked me to go to the mall with her to try and find a pirate costume. Normally that sounds like a one-way ticket to Awesome Street, right? Well I'm sorry to say that somehow we took a wrong turn and ended up on a skid row known as Leg Avenue.
I don't know if you guys have SEEN this unsettling trend, but it seems like 80% of all halloween stores are dedicated to these thick plastic bags that may as well be filled with a sign that says "Hey gross men, please oogle all my parts!" It's really disturbing to me that a lady can't find a simple striped sash, three-pointed hat and hook for a hand, but boy can she ever find a skirt cut so short that...well, let's just say it sure doesn't leave much to a chauvinistic man's imagination!
I don't understand what drives a company to try and hypersexualize women like this! Ladies, do not fall for their tricks! YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU ARE SPECIAL FLOWERS. Don't you want a man to respect you for who you are rather than how much of your ta-tas they can see? Think you will meet a husband with your bottom falling out of your hotpants? I hate to break it to you, honey, but who is going to buy the cow when you can get the slutty milkmaid for free? Sigghhhhhh I guess I'll never understand....
Here, to give you a better idea of what we had to deal with, here is a sampling of what "Whore Avenue" has to offer:
This first one is not so bad, I guess. Still pretty slutty, though. Nothing I’d deem appropriate for a Harvest Ball. Especially considering the underblouse is sold seperately.
Oh my goodness, you must be kidding me. I don’t know what’s worse: that skirt being cut so short you can practically see her nethers, or the fact that it’s cut like Kermit’s collar. :(
This model looks like she just smelled someone pass gas. Or maybe she’s just so uncomfortable because HER ENTIRE BOOBS ARE HANGING OUT OF HER SHIRT. ALL OF THEM. THE ENTIRETY OF THEM.
This costume is called “Captain Hooker”. IT IS CALLED CAPTAIN HOOKER. THIS IS HOW LITTLE THEY THINK OF YOU, LADIES!!!!!
Well, this one isn’t so bad. Can’t say I entirely approve of that bare midriff, but at least it’s significantly more coverage than the rest of this grossness.
Oh, come on! This isn’t even a pirate costume! She’s dressed like the Sluttiest Little Pilgrim. Uggghhh…
This one is called “Sexy Sergeant”. More like “Sexy Doesn’t Know When To Stop Applying Rouge”. Zing!
Okay, this one I REALLY don’t understand. It’s called “Corrupt Cop”, but what signifies corruption exactly? In a vacuum, you could say “oh she is dressed like a complete whore”, but apparently that’s all there is in this godforsaken wasteland. I bet they even have the nursery rhyme characters tarting it up.
GUH
This one is called “Mystery Spiderweb Costume”. I guess the mystery is “why am I dressed like a cheap whore.”
HOW IS THIS EVEN A COSTUME
THIS ISN’T EVEN ACCURATE